I was listening the other day, to one of my favorite 'oldies' : "Blame it on the Bossa Nova" with Eydie Gormet. The very lovely lyrics of the song, put the 'blame' on the Bossa Nova dance for enabling the singer (or some other young girl) the good fortune of meeting the right one. " Oh, it all began with just one dance. But soon it ended up a big romance" .
That brings me to the opposite topic - blaming for misfortune.
People usually blame age, climate, luck, parents, school, for their... misfortune in life. I also blame my own self, and quite often. I ask myself questions like 'how could I do this or that', 'how stupid was I to act in this or that manner'.
I believe direction in life shown to us by an older, more experienced person, can in some way help avoid gross mistakes, and by this, even turn misfortune into good fortune. But then, when we are young, or even middle-aged, we think we know better, so we don't listen to advice, and then, it's too late.
I remember telling a young relative before starting his first job, something like : "Hard work won't kill you; people around you might. Beware!" He smiled, thanked me politely, and said he'll remember that.
In another case, I tried to give some slight advice to the daughter of a late cousin of mine. The daughter, sixteen years younger than me, reacted rudely: 'My mother has no less life experience than you do, so , I have her to learn things from' (actually, she wasn't on good terms with her mother, so I thought advice coming from a third party might do her some good.). Well, I thought...
I am good (too good) at blaming myself. I still think it is better than blaming others, but it is certainly a negative emotion.
ReplyDeleteAdvice is dangerous territory isn't it?
Advice is indeed 'dangerous territory', as you put it. However, the way I do it (and I do it rather scarcely) is subtle , and not at all offensive.
DeleteWell done. It isn't easy.
DeleteThank you EC.
DeleteSometimes, we just can't help ourselves in certain situations. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm just flirting with disaster when I bring up certain topics with co-workers. Especially, when I thought we were talking about something else..yet I was wrong.
ReplyDeleteI think back about my grandmother and all the things I wished she'd told me. I have a feeling she tried. I think of her talks about boys and dating. "Well, look at it this way, he could be a vampire." I still laugh when I think about it, but her other quote about dating, "The more clothes you have on, the better off you are through the evening."
Back in those days, I got a lot in sight from strangers. I remember and older lady I met who was a relative of someone I knew (I liked her grandson) told me, "Don't you even think about dating, you look all of thirteen." I was seventeen then. Just recently, a patron showed me a 2 dollar bill in her wallet. "I never leave home without it. I always make sure I have some money in my pocket." Of course, she never spent that two dollar bill.
Your grandmother, sounds quite a character! (by the way, I haven't known any of my grandparents, and that's a big minus in life).
DeleteShe probably tried to tell/ teach you a lot of things, but as it did not happen, you were left with feelings of regret .
Dearest Duta,
ReplyDeleteBlaming others is a sure sign of not having reached maturity...
Hugs,
Mariette
I tend to agree with you on this, dear Mariette.
ReplyDelete💞
DeletePeople give us advice because they want us to avoid a situation that they already experienced and it didn't turn out well. You can take it or leave it but I know that someday you will recall the advice and wished you have taken it. There is no one to blame except yourself.
ReplyDeleteExactly. It did happen to me that I wished I took the advice given, but it was too late. I blamed myself, of course.
DeleteYou tried
ReplyDeleteYes, I tried. There's nothing wrong with trying to do something that might be good for someone.
DeleteWe do want to help others avoid the mistakes and pitfalls we made when we were young, but when we give advice, we have to be prepared to have it ignored. There are so many people I wish I'd have listened to when I was growing up.
ReplyDeleteI suppose we all know, our given advice might not be appreciated after all, and in the end, utterly ignored.
DeleteI think we are quick to blame ourselves, I know I do.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry your cousins daughter was so rude. It certainly never hurts to think about things people talk to us about. You don't have to follow it if it doesn't seem right but being polite and listening will take you much further than rude comments!
Right you are. Listening and being polite never hurts. On the contrary, it might "take you much further".
DeleteYes if only the younger generation would listen to their elders. They could learn much. Janice
ReplyDeleteI am happy to give advice when asked and sometimes people do ask me. Sometimes I laugh and tell friends "I can't control other people" and "My advice is so good but seldom followed." Now I am older I am backing off and wait til I am asked.
ReplyDelete"wait till you're asked for it" - That's definitely the right attitude, Terra.
DeleteI've guided my sons when young in the right direction, but it was done carefully seem to have worked. I've only given advise if asked, that means everyone I know.
ReplyDelete'I've only given advice when asked"- Well done about your sons, Margaret!
DeleteAdvice is a tricky thing. I don't give anyone advice anymore – unless they ask for it. Even my adult children! Sometimes they ask, more often I ask them for advice.
ReplyDeleteTrue Jenn. Giving advice can be tricky, even dangerous. Having adult children, it seems more natural for you to ask them for advice.
DeleteI have followed some good advices, but I also blame myself for not following my own. Having said that, I remind myself that self- blame can lead to self-destructiviness and I'd rather not follow that route.
ReplyDeleteThere's no golden rule here. We often have to take into account circumstances. What's important is to respect our self and others , in the process.
DeleteImpulsivity gets me into trouble periodically. I have learned to pause now and consider everything before I jump into situations which I will later regret.
ReplyDeleteHard to believe that of you, Marie. I see you as the perfection of calmness and politeness.
DeleteI hate it when people blame others for everything which goes wrong in their own lives.
ReplyDeleteBlaming others is the 'easiest' way out, and solves no real problems.
DeleteDuta, I think that the advice we give often falls on deaf ears and sometimes our opinion can lead to conflicts.
ReplyDeleteYou're right, Norma. And yet, we can't always resist to 'having a say', whatever the outcome. We are human with human flaws.
DeleteFair enough, Julie. Thanks for the following and the comment.
ReplyDeletei hate when one person thinks that is better than other...
ReplyDeleteNo one likes people like that, but the person that offers advice , usually wishes to help on the basis of his own experience.
DeleteThere are more than a few times when I've thought of words my parents or teachers told us and realized how right they were! I try to hold my tongue sometimes -- but there are also times when one needs to say it -- and then, it's up to the other to listen-- or not -- and learn!
ReplyDeleteWe're constantly facing a dilemma. We wish to help, yet we're afraid our offer of advice might be rejected.
DeleteI don't blame others for bad things happening or for my life not going in a different direction that's on me. Sometimes bad things happen and we have no control over that too.
ReplyDeleteI guess we all have to, at one stage or another, face up and take the blame for our actions...some of them, anyway. I know I have. I need no one else to do the berating. I berate myself enough for a thousand tossing blame and guilt my way!
ReplyDeleteI also blame the actions of some older others during my childhood for my mis-steps in life..I had no control over their behaviour, nor did I have a voice in the matter.
I admit I've made more than my share of errors of judgment.
When we reach third stage in life, we have it all before our eyes: both our own errors, and those of our elderly.
DeleteIt's never too late to understand things, but it's rather too late to change the course of things.
I appreciate your honesty, Rosie. Your comment is helpful in that it stresses the true facts that life is complicated, we have to workout things for ourselves and learn from our mistakes.
ReplyDeleteBoa tarde Duta. Posso estar enganado, mais acho que você nunca ouviu falar que Rabin tinha uma homenagem dessa no Rio de Janeiro e Brasil. Um excelente mês de agosto.
ReplyDeleteThe first time I've heard about it is now from reading in your blog. Thank you for that, and thanks to Brazil for honoring Rabin.
DeleteI remember when I was young I never listened to my parents, I thought they were outdated and in some way they were. But everything my grandma told me came true so I prefer to think of my grandma who was a very intelligent woman and born too early ! She didn't fit in her generation. A bit like me.
ReplyDeleteYou were some kind of rebel, but in the family, as your grandma 'tamed' you. She and you were probably alike in character.
DeleteBy the time we get some degree of wisdom, it's too late for a lot of do overs. I do wish I had listened to some of my elders, especially my father, but when I was a teenager, I knew everything.
ReplyDeleteMost of us go through this, Alana. As youngsters we don't listen to our elders, and later on, we regret that.
DeleteGiving advice can be hard, Duta, as you said here. Sometimes even though we mean well, the recipient doesn't see it that way and may construe the advice, no matter how well intended, as meddling. As for blaming ourselves for things, it seems to be human nature in that it has happened to myself as well.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you. Giving advice to others and blaming oneself are both tricky in nature. We are after all, human.
DeleteWell... gee that WAS awfully rude of your cousin's daughter.
ReplyDeleteI remember Steve and Edyie. I think they even had a TV show. I used to really like them.
I was raised to give respect to an older person even if I think he doesn't deserve that. So, it's hard for me to accept her attitude. ( It was not the worst she said, so we stopped being in touch).
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