Wednesday, October 28, 2020

Untitled

Sometimes we learn from the media about the death of a person; no cause of death mentioned (usually at the request of the family). Even if we're curious about cause and circumstances, we accept the lack of information.

It is somehow different when the deceased is someone we've known personally or through online activity such as blogging; it seems then, that curiosity is stronger than us. We even feel 'entitled' to know about the cause of death.

A 69 year old blogger died suddenly at home about 3 months ago.  It was quite a shock! The blogger was a very active person, and l was under the impression that he  was not having any (major) health problems. He felt unwell during the last few days of his life, and passed away  (rip).

I was hoping his wife might perhaps reveal in her blog the cause of his sudden death.  Well, she mentioned him a lot, described the sadness of the days without him, her crying and grieving, but nothing on the cause of death. 

*

Until a few years ago, I was having correspondence with a cousin in the USA - a cousin discovered through the internet, while doing a genealogical research. She was of great help to me with this research, and I felt  grateful to her.

At a certain stage, the said cousin (a divorced, registered nurse in her fifties) wrote to me that her younger, single sister  was hospitalized. After a few weeks she informed me of the sister's death.(The two lived in the same big, town).

I was in shock twice: first by the tragic event, and second  by my inability to get any info on what had led to hospitalization and death. I tried both approaches - direct and indirect, to make my cousin tell me what had happened. In vain.

I had my guesses, but why guess, I said to myself, "we're cousins, and we've been in touch for at least three years . Moreover, I've told her in detail about my own tragedy - the sudden , untimely loss of my brother. So why couldn't she tell me what happened to her sister"?

I felt hurt, but , went on with the e-mails, albeit less frequently. I tried to convince myself that her behavior had probably something to do with  specific american mentality with which I was not  familiar, and for the time being, I'd better ignore the whole painful thing.

After a while, she brought up the subject of inheritance (procedures to be dealt with, a town house and a car to be put on sale, etc..) - without even mentioning the name of the sister. It was at that point that I sadly decided to stop the correspondence. Certain things are unacceptable to me, mentality or not.

48 comments:

  1. It is a jolt to hear news like that. Maybe in time your cousin will tell you in time. I know it's a millennial world we live in which seems to give us less and less character of who we are which is also sad.

    And Life is full of mysteries, even so. Yet, you'd think gypsies were more mindful to remember those than some do these days. But I think we are also for frightful these days during this pandemic of how we are more alone and we'd taken a lot for granted.

    All the best to writing & your blog.

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    1. Yes, life gives us quite a few jolts. The pandemic adds to our fears and turns the world into s very frightful and uncertain place.

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  2. One can't help but be curious when people meet an untimely death as to the cause. These days the first assumption is Covid. It is hard to suppress our curiosity. Hopefully eventually we find out somehow.

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    1. It's human and natural to be curious, especially in matters like mortality which concern all of us.

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    2. I agree, it is totally understandable and natural too. Very sad news from everywhere now...Praying for all the people in the world right now, we all need prayers during these difficult times, dealing with dead or not. Anyway, thank you so much for your kind words about my video, it means a lot to me! Stay safe and healthy everyone ☺

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    3. I don't think curiosity is weird.Of course, I won't go over my head to satisfy it; only if it's possible.
      I totally agree with you about the need to pray for ourselves and for the world.

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  3. I do not understand people anymore. You were not out of line asking. Some folks like to play head games. One blogger I know sends out hooks: Wonder where I've been? I have news, but will tellyou next post.
    I don't go for that as a way to get followers. Up front and honest, is what I believe. Have agreatd weekend.

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    1. Bloggers don't always know what attracts readers to their blog,but they do usually know what might put them off: a too long post and promises of..news in the next post.

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  4. Replies
    1. Yes, it is. Both cases are not local. They are from big, vast America.
      It's harder to hide things in a small, crowded country like the one I live in.

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  5. I think I know the Blogger you are talking about. I didn't really follow his blog but people who followed my blog followed his and a lot were devastating at the news of his passing. I heard it was Covid but I'm not 100% sure that was the cause.

    That was sad about the dealings with your cousin. It would have been nice to know what the cause of death was especially if it was something potentially hereditary in the family.

    My DIL has lost several family members/friends this year and of course she is sad about it. I have yet to find the cause of any of these young peoples' passing though I have asked her. So maybe it is an American thing or maybe a generational thing for the young ones?

    betty

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    1. Covid hasn't crossed my mind,for some reason, but who knows. I suppose only family and close friends of the late blogger know the truth.

      As for my cousin, she's a nurse by profession.She probably had the right knowledge of things regarding her sister's condition, but kept it to herself and the nucleic family. It looks like it is an american thing.

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  6. It's not good when a blogger dies.
    Several have passed on in the past and their spouses won't say what the cause of death is, some do, most won't - privacy I expect, yet they tell everything else! (sometimes)
    A cousin not telling you is different again, they are family even up to and including 3rd cousins, after that not so much.
    It becomes tiresome sometimes when family talk around certain issues, surely there is nothing to hide...take care.

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    1. I consider myself a private person. I can understand and respect privacy.
      However, people have turned their blog into an online diary; they tell us about things that used to be kept once in the drawer only.
      So,the last 'chord', kept private, is rather strange, and makes one think all kinds of thoughts.

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  7. In reading your comments, Duta, and some of the responses above, I think I must be strange! I really am not curious about the illness or the event which caused someone to die. It is important to know the fact of their death, of course, to pay respects and reach out to the family if appropriate, but the actual nature of their illness is of no importance to me. It changes nothing whether they died of cancer or a heart attack.

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    1. Different people have different views on things , including birth and death.
      That's ok - 'to each his own' as they say.One has a right to one's personal opinion.

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  8. Here's my two cents DUTA. You ended the correspondence, you have hurt feelings and maybe she's hurt and confused as well because she doesn't know why you stopped corresponding. If you had asked, then she might have told you and you could have comforted each other and strengthened the relationship. She could also have decided it was none of your business and told you as much and you would have lost the relationship. My point is that you lost the relationship because of the worse case scenario that if you asked it would end the relationship. At least with asking there was hope. I know it's a little confusing, but what was the worse that could happen? And didn't the worse end up happening anyway?

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    1. She does know why the correspondence stopped. Of course, I asked about what happened. She probably didn't need/want my comforting her.
      Anyway, afterwards she turned to me twice: to wish me a Happy New Year,and to inform me of her son's wedding. I replied politely on both occasions.

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  9. In regards to bloggers, I'm always curious also as to the cause, rarely is it revealed. But, were something to happen to me, no blogger would know because no one else has access to my blog to post anything.
    You certainly were right to ask about your cousin, seems very strange that she didn't inform you.
    It is not an American thing at all to be secretive about someone's passing! Sometimes it is stated in the obituary, other times by word of mouth. Seems to me sometimes, us Americans reveal way too much info!

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    1. I suppose you know better than me what's an american thing or not. I just felt I had to find something to justify my cousin's behavior, and also the silence of the late blogger's wife.

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  10. Often if I don't see a cause of death my brain jumps to suicide, which can still feel to some like a taboo to discuss. But I don't understand with your cousin. With a familial relationship, and particularly when you have been in touch in recent years, it strikes me as odd that she wouldn't say.

    But reading this reminds me that I should be quite sure Rick has my blog info and password so if anything should happen to me, he could post it. I pretty much live my life out loud on the blog and if I was ill, people would know. But if it was sudden... good food for thought.

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    1. In the case of the blogger, there's a wife with her own blog and most followers are common to both blogs.

      I remember cases of blogers without family or close friends, but they didn't pass away suddenly; they had some major health issues which were often mentioned in their blog.
      Anyway, there's some food for thought in the above stories.

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  11. I'm curious to the bloggers who pass suddenly because we feel close to those whose heartfelt words we read. But I respect the family's privacy if they choose not to tell the details.

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    1. Family's wish for privacy is above all, and should be respected whether we like it or not.

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  12. Quando eu morrer, se é que eu vá,
    (risos), ninguém vai saber pelo
    menos através do meu blog cuja
    senha só eu sei. Espero que não
    venham saber do meu fim.
    Que pensem que fui viajar para
    lugares não sabido ou que fiquei
    phuto com o blog e resolvi fechar
    a página.
    Fácil assim.
    Beijos e um bom dia.

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    1. translation:

      'When I die, if I go (laughs) no one will know through my blog, whose password only I know.
      Hope you won't know of my end, but think I went traveling to unknown places, and decided to close my blog'.


      The irritating password has suddenly become a factor of life and death!

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  13. I "assisted" twice to a death of a Blogfriend, but both had asked their family to close her blog mentioning why they died. I liked them both so much that I was really sad. One died of old age she was in her 80 and from Australia the other a woman in her 60th from California, of a general cancer. At the end she couldn't type anymore and her husband typed for her, but she dictated. It was really very sad when they passed away, it was as if I had known them life. I lost two friends.

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    1. It's always sad when life comes to an end, no matter who the deceased was.(I don't rejoice even at the death of a terrorist).

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  14. O que teria levado o seu
    primo a tomar tal decisão,
    hein?
    Beijos de boa noite.

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    1. Sadly, I haven't got the slightest idea why my cousin chose not to tell me about the tragic family event.

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  15. Replies
    1. Thank you. Have a great day you too! and a great week and month!
      I wish you and all americans a smooth Election Day!

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  16. Well, I really don't know what to make of this ...

    Sending my good wishes and I hope the month of November will be a good one for you.
    Here in England (UK) we are in lockdown again from midweek. Covid is not going away.

    Stay safe and well.

    All the best Jan

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    1. Yes, Covid is not going away. Today was the first clinical trial of israeli produced vaccine on a volunteer.
      Hoping for the best.
      Best wishes to you too!

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  17. I've been blogging for a long time and have been friends with some online friends for 20 years. I've had so many online and blog friends pass away. Sometimes the family will say something and sometimes they won't and will just delete the blog or delete the fb account which is sad.

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    1. It's when the blogger passes away suddenly that we're curious to know the cause. In all the other instances, there is usually some indication in the blog about the person's health, so when the worst happens we are sad but not shocked.

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  18. It is unfortunate to learn about the blogger's passing and like yourself, I also know bloggers who have passed unexpectedly. As for your cousin's attitude, I really don't have an opinion to offer since it is a personal matter.

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    1. I see it as a family matter rather than a personal one. I hope it's a very rare attitude calling someone 'dear cousin' , and withholding from this cousin such important info.

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  19. Duta, so glad to see you are still posting.

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    1. Hi Philip,
      I'm very glad to hear from you. Hope things are OK with you and family.
      Thanks for coming by.

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  20. Yes I had a blogging friend passing away and was curious It was so sudden and everything just stops without you be able to say goodbye. Sad that this happens in a family. I thought that you would become closer and share this information.

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    1. With me, the sadness lasts for a week or two after the passing of the acquaintance. If it's family, then it stays with me.

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  21. She may have been unable to speak of it. Maybe that was how she dealt with grief-- silence. Or perhaps the cause of death itself was something so horrible. There are some things people just can't bring themselves to speak of. I would assume her reasons for the secrecy are in that line, rather than not wanting to tell you for any other reason.

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    1. Thanks for your suggestions, Sandi.
      I don't know what to make of it any more. In fact, I've stopped thinking about it.

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  22. I just wanted you to know that I dropped by and read your post Duta. You always, without fail, write such thought-provoking posts.
    We do feel a real connection to bloggers that we've been interacting with over the years. I'm in and out of blogland but coming back each time is delightful to be able to continue on as I'd left it.
    I think if your cousin addresses you with an affectionate greeting (such as I read in your reply to a blogfriend earlier) then I'd feel that person had developed a closeness, but to then put up boundaries like that is perplexing.
    Just keep doing what makes you happy!

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    1. Glad to hear from you, Sue - especially that you have such kind words for my posts.
      As for my cousin,'to each his own', what else can I say.

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  23. estos temas siempre son dificiles aunque hay personas que les resulta algo.. no se como decirlo, son más frios y miran mas el tema economico que sentimental.

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    1. Difficult issues, indeed. Very personal felings are involved. Background and mentality are also to be considered.

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