'Sitting Shiva' is a mourning custom in judaism. It starts immediately after the funeral and lasts seven days and nights ('shivah', literally means seven).
The 'shiva' is kept at the residence of the deceased or in the home of one of the principal mourners (relatives of first degree). The mourners usually sit on low beds and stools, express their grief, and discuss the loss of the loved one with visitors that come to offer their condolences and comfort .
web picture (from the Jewish Chronicle) -Sitting ShivaShortly before my retiring from work, the secretary at our office lost her mother, a last year hospice patient.
The 'shiva' was held at the home of the secretary's sister. The latter, a TV writer and director, wife of a well-known hospital doctor, lived in a beautiful house, located in a respectable neighborhood of a central city.
We were a bunch of four-five people from the office coming to extend our condolences to the bereaved family.
The spacious living room was occupied by the sister and her family awaiting the visits of high society people from the TV and medical fields.. We were directed to an adjacent room where we found our secretaryׂ with HER visitors.
I felt very badly about that, not to say shocked. The 'shiva' is meant to be a custom of togetherness not of separation, of human solidarity not of human polarization.
The thing is I've met the sister on a previous occasion and she had left a great impresion on me: good- looking, witty, polite, kind. And now this... perhaps, her husband's idea. Who knows.
We (the office colleagues), were too embarassed to discuss the matter among us.
Hello Duta: I have sat Shiva many times but have never experienced this kind of segregation. Perhaps it is because I never sat Shiva for anyone associated with celebrity or stardom. It is no different in any religion. Just try getting into a church in England if a member of the royal family is in attendance. Doesn't matter how much you feel you need to commune with God in his house, that place is off limits to you and you will be removed by force if you try to enter. Now that seems like a good Christian attitude doesn't it?
ReplyDeleteHello David,
Delete'Segregation' (not on racial grounds)- that would indeed be the right term for it.
In a public place (church), 'security' would probably be invoked - the need to securely protect the famous from the mob.
Anyway, a very unpleasant experience!
That is very sad. Maybe there was some reason she was in another room, but it is sad.
ReplyDeleteI suppose one could look for a reason and even find one. Not me . The two-room shiva was and is, totally unacceptable
Deletevery unfortunate experience, so sorry.
ReplyDeleteIndeed Christine. I would also add to your comment the word
Delete'unforgettable'(negative meaning). One never forgets such an experience; it goes with you for years.
I know about shiva through a friend of mine, but it definitely wasn't like this with visitors in adjoining rooms. I do remember now that all the mirrors were covered with a black cloth. It sounds kind of nasty to me the way you and your co-workers were treated when you showed up to pay your respects, that would be embarrassing for sure.
ReplyDeleteYou remember correctly, Pam (the covered mirrors i.e). And you're totally right - it was nasty, embarrassing, contradicting both religious and human values.
DeleteI've heard of this custom, but have not participated in it. How sad that a sad event is made sadder by the separation.
ReplyDeleteIt is a well-known custom.
Delete'Sad event, made even sadder by separation'- well put. That's exactly my thought too.
It is sad!
ReplyDeleteI was wrong in the beginning read the title, I thought it's about Shiva God (Hinduism)
When I read it, I doubt, seems those people like Hindu, they're trying to create caste. It's sad, isn't?
There's a touch of hinduism and its social system about it.
DeleteWords/phrases like caste, social status, dividing society in classes - do come to one's mind. Sad.
A very odd story...I would like to think that this is not normal...or is it!!
ReplyDeleteHi Trevor,
DeleteThis is not the normal case, as far as I can remember. Hopefully. I'm right, because this kind of shiva can be quite traumatic for the participant
That is sad. I would have thought all would be together.
ReplyDeleteMy son visited his friend, back when he was in gr. 7, who was sitting shiva. I was so proud of him! It was quite a time.
Not only is it sad, but it's a shameful experience that one doesn't even wish to mention, talk or write about.
DeleteHopefully,your son's impression was a positive one.
Whenever I've gone to shiva it has always been the whole of people. It's so very sad it was broken and separated. This feels very wrong to me -- for the dead, the family and for the mourners.
ReplyDeleteTerribly wrong!
DeleteAnyway, we brought with us a basket with food items : baked goods, fruit, chocolates, that improved the atmosphere and enabled the mourner and her visitors to overcome any embarrassment.
That is sad. I feel for your friend who had to endure this in the midst of her grief over losing her mother.
ReplyDeletebetty
She was a single woman, and quite dependent emotionally on her sister. I don't think she would argue with her on the separatism thing.
DeleteDuta, that sounds like a beautiful custom—when it’s done kindly. I am glad your friend has people who want to support her.
ReplyDeleteIt is. It helps the mourners go through the process of grief more easily. A hug, a word of comfort, even sitting there quietly - does the work.
DeleteI have never attented shiva before, so sad about the segregation someone mentioned earlier. We are all equal to death and in front of God. Have a lovely week!
ReplyDeleteEquality is indeed an important principle to guide us through life and death.
DeleteA lovely week to you too!
Sorry you had to have such an experience when you went to offer your condolences at the shiva. It sounds like you and your co-workers handled the unexpected situation gracefully.
ReplyDeleteWell, we did what one has to do when visiting people sitting shiva. We ofered our condolences. words and food of comfort, a hug, listened to her and tried to alleviate her feelings of grief.
DeleteBlessings
ReplyDeleteBlessings to you too!
DeleteI imagine this is meant to be a time of family togetherness, so a bit strange.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely. The shiva is built on togetherness. No one should go through the pain of loss alone.
DeleteI did not know about that so I learned something new.
ReplyDeleteGlad you've learned something new from my post. We never stop learning, and that's good.
DeleteInteresting to learn about sitting Shiva. I agree with you that togetherness is important on such occasions.
ReplyDeleteIndeed, Marja. Both the shiva traditon and the togetherness on which it is based, are important and interesting to learn about.
DeleteInteresting to learn about the shiva. I think it is a good idea as it was in the old traditional way, but I suppose everything is 'modernised' eventually, which is a shame as the tradition then becomes meaningless.
ReplyDeleteThere are certain traditions which are better kept unchanged, otherwise they become, as you say, 'meaningless' - and that would be a pity.
DeleteI don't know the exact situation, but I think I would have left. Social levels have nothing to do with grieving ! I think it's even very impolite !
ReplyDeleteWe were surprised. and one can't think clearly and decide things when taken by surprise.
DeleteAnyway, you're totally right about social level and impoliteness.
Perhaps your friend did not understand the purpose of the custom is to comfort her in her loss? Beautiful custom and I'm curious why the seating is typically low to the ground. Thank you for visiting me today, Duta!
ReplyDeleteThe custom of sitting lower than the usual, reinforces the mourners' feeling low, depressed.
DeleteThis is a very interesting and thought provoking post you have here. I have never heard about this before. Thanks to you, I learned something new today.
ReplyDeleteWishing you a wonderful Thursday!
Thanks for your kind words.
DeleteWell, there's always something new to learn, and hear about.
A wondrful Thursday to you too.
Although I have never been to such an event, I do know of it, Duta. The situation you described where you and your co-workers were sent to a separate room was indeed unfortunate.
ReplyDeleteI don't like to recall , talk about or wtite about the incident, and yet here it is on my blog. I feel slightly better about it now.
DeleteIt's a shame, but some let their egos, unfortunately, take over no matter where, or what the occasion.
ReplyDeleteThere are some among us who never cease to surprise us...just when we think we've seen or heard it all...There are some who are shallow.
You, DUTA, my friend, are not one of those. :)
Thanks ,Lee, for not considering me shallow.
DeleteI agree that it's a shame some people, as you put it,let their egos take over.
Duta, I can understand your reactions to this act of what I would call, snobbery, towards all of the Secretary's friends and can only imagine the inner turmoil and feelings of humiliation she herself would have felt.
ReplyDeleteThe shiva is the very wrong place for display of snobbery, As for the secretary herself, I suppose she hasn't felt happy about the whole thing.
DeleteI think that on what is a sad event it has been made even sadder by this separation.
ReplyDeleteAll the best Jan
Sad, sadder - it was the saddest shiva that I could remember.It's not something one ever forgets.
Delete